It's Ok To Want
Hello, my friends!
It's been a hot minute since we chatted and I'm hoping 2023 is being good to you so far.
The entire fall passed since we last connected in a blaze of birthdays, softball games, pumpkins, holidays, and final book deadlines.
On a personal level, I continue to heal and grow and mother, and as it so often is with parenting, my kids often teach me lessons in the most unexpected ways.
This past October, my youngest daughter announced that she wanted to run for Student Council class rep. As a 3rd grader it was her first year to participate in Student Council, and excitedly more than half her class decided to run for the one class rep spot.
Freja's enthusiasm was contagious and the whole family helped make her campaign posters which read: "Don-ut forget to vote for Freja!" with her face pasted inside a giant donut.
The day before voting, all the candidates had to deliver a campaign speech to the whole class. Freja and her bestie wrote hers, and we helped her practice. When she came home after giving the speech, I asked her how it went and she said "Good!" Then she said: "I want to win...but I kinda don't want to win."
"Why would you not want to win?" I asked. "Well," she replied. "I'd miss lunch because we have student council meetings during lunch...and I don't know."
I got the sense she was trying to play it cool, and soften the blow in case she lost.
"Freja," I told her. "It's ok to want to win. You might not win, and there are so many people running that is a real possibility. BUT, it's ok to want to win. You should want to win! Sometimes you'll win, and sometimes you won't. But you'll for sure NOT win, if you don't even try. And I am already so proud of you for trying."
She nodded her head in understanding. And I thought about that conversation for a long time after.
When I was younger (even 5 years ago) I wanted to win at lots of stuff. And I have been brave throughout my life in many, many ways.
These last few years, though, I had lost my want.
The pandemic, aging, my mom dying, being sober, I just felt like I lost the brave, hopeful girl I once was. The one who dared to put herself out there and try.
My book is coming out June 6. The book I have been talking about for 10,000 years that I pushed the pub date on, is finally coming out to the world.
And honestly, I'm scared.
Scared to be seen. Scared people won't like it. Scared I won't win...at what I don't know.
YET—even in that sea of fear—I have been finding my want lately. I'll think about someone resonating with my words and I'll get a pang of excitement. I want people to get something out of my book. I want my words to make people feel something. I want people to laugh or cry, or think. I want to share my voice. I want to say "I was here."
What are you wanting, my friend? Have you lost your wants? Have they, like you, changed? Do you have a trunkful of wants you closed the lid on, but are feeling called to open?
I'll be talking about wants and gifts and play and purpose in a new workshop I'm leading on Feb. 16 from 7-9pm EST. It will be a virtual space of play and sharing and exploration and allowing so we can reclaim our wants, and the willingness to try.
It's only $39, you can register here.
Freja won the election, by the way. She is her class rep and she loves it.
But she really won the day she put her name on the ballot, because she honored her want. I hope she always does. I hope we all do, too.
I want that for us.
Love you all.