For the longest time, I felt more “busy” than happy.
It wasn’t until I made some key mental shifts that things began to fall into place. When I began to see the world in a whole new way, the world began to change. I met the man who would become my husband, went on to have two little girls and am relaunching my business, and life, in a way that truly matters. And I owe it to these five key shifts:
1. Trust yourself I used to be one of those girls who couldn't even buy a pair of shoes without texting pics to my sister asking what she thought. While it can be fun (and valuable) to get feedback, the ability to think for yourself is a powerful thing and a skill that will prove to be invaluable as you get older and braver. The best way to build this self confidence muscle is to start small, so the next time you're having a conundrum about a guy, work sitch, or whether to sleep in or go to yoga, instead of picking up the phone to call someone, try turning it off instead. Sit down, exhale and turn the problem over in your mind a couple of times. Underneath all that noise is a voice trying to tell you what to do. Get quiet and listen to it. It will rarely steer you wrong.
2. If you ain't failing you ain't trying When I first launched my multi-media business I landed a huge client then proceeded to screw up a major presentation for them in front of like 50 execs. It was "out of a movie" bad: Technical problems, wrong equipment, running late, you name it. After bawling to my husband. "I can't believe that happened. I'm a loser!" He let me dribble snot down his shirt for a minute then very gently said, "You're not a loser. You have a new business and you're trying out new things."
It's true, I was testing out the services I offer and building a team. Growing anything—be it a business or baby—you're gonna make mistakes. And as horrible as it feels, that's how you learn. Sara Blakely, the billionaire founder of Spanx said when she was a kid every day her dad would ask her "So, what did you fail at today."
The reality is this, if you ain't failing, you ain't trying. So whether your new project crashes in flames, your red carpet outfit is declared hideous by The Fashion Police, or you spectacularly burn your chicken before your big dinner party, you know what, darlin'? At least you tried. And that makes all the difference.
3. Align your actions with your words This is probs the hardest shift to make but the one that will change your life the fastest! For the longest time I kept complaining to friends and family that I wanted to settle down and have a family but I kept dating guys who were no where close to getting married and having kids. It wasn't until a friend not-so-gently pointed out that I was saying one thing yet doing another that I finally got it. I promptly dumped the fun-loving but commitment-phobe boyfriend I had at the time and four months later met the amazing guy who would be my husband. Aligning your actions with your words means not undercharging for your work when you say your goal is to be financially stable. Aligning your actions with your words means not drinking wine and eating pasta every night when you say you wanna lose 10 pounds by summer. It ain't easy, but walk your talk and your world will change instantly.
4. There's enough for everyone When I was younger in my career I used to be wildly competitive. I'd see someone within my field publish a book, get written about, or appear on tv, and I'd seethe with jealousy. I'd think "What are they doing? I have to work harder!" And I'd get all worked up and go off track and feel bad along the way. Much better to "run your own race." Champion racehorses wear blinders so they're not distracted by other horses. Don't be distracted by anyone's success or failures. Someone just got engaged, great Mazel Tov, your man is still out there. Someone just launched the very business you wanted to launch, no probs, stay the course. The way you offer your service will be totally different, because guess what? You're totally different. So the next time you're scrolling on Instagram and it seems like everyone has more money, is jetsetting all over the world, is way hotter, and has a fab career changing lives, instead of being small and jealous, take a deep breath and be big and generous. Trust me, there is enough love, money, and joy to go around and the sooner you realize it, the sooner you'll get what you're chasing after.. or maybe realize you had it all along.
5. lt's not all about you "All the suffering in the world comes from seeking pleasure for oneself. All the happiness in the world comes from seeking pleasure for others." Thinking about just yourself is the surest way to misery. Obsessing about your hair, her weight, your love life, your career is honestly boring at best and destructive at worst. The Buddhists are very clever because they say if you want something, the surefire way to get it is to help someone else get it. So if you want a partner, set up a friend on a date, you want your dream job, help someone else get theirs.
I like this because you don't have to be highly evolved to start. In fact, at the beginning you have very selfish reasons for helping other people, right? BUT the trick is that helping people starts to become fun. Making people happy makes you feel good. So you wanna do it more. Then guess what, you become happy. The good news is you don't have to open an orphanage in Africa to get started. Just wake up tomorrow with the goal of helping three people. You can give a pep talk to a friend who's depressed. Help someone find a job who just got laid off. Or randomly donate to a cause on Go Fund Me.
Being generous does not require tons of money or time. The Bhagavad Gita says if you give even a leaf with a pure heart, it's like gold. Give time, give advice, give a compliment. Just give.